I wanted to write this during one of our fathers episodes so that it’s raw…
As a child I don’t remember to much drama except for a lot of verbal arguments and anger….. as a teen one of my main memories of our dad is him holding my older brother down with a high heal shoe about to hit him with it and I can’t remember how but someone stopped him…. I don’t even remember it being about anything in particular…. but to this day I am incredibly sensitive to noise…… the verbal a abuse …. as soon as he got home from work we all sort of shut down not knowing what to expect.
when I was 21 my mum and dad split up, this was not the first time but this time it was for sure! I remember being in my flat and dad hounding me for information until I threw the phone across the room…..
He became obsessed with our mum and As mum and I were backing out in the dark one night boooooom, he threw himself on the bonnet of the car and held on to the windscreen wipers.
There are so many stories that I wouldn’t even know where to start….. the amount of arrests, the death threats, the throwing tables at people, turning up at funerals unwelcome, stalking our mum to this day, 20phone calls a day…..
He eventually got diagnosed as Bi Polar in 1995; I had never heard of it and funnily enough I think it was our mum who suggested it… To be honest I’m not convinced that a diagnosis has made much difference… He is so manipulative that you are never sure what to believe….. does this give him an excuse to hurt people, leave a trail of insults and wounds every where he goes….threatening to kill himself for the trillionth time even though he has never tried once… crying to me and within minutes telling one of my brothers that he has no balls….
As I’m writing this he has rung me with death threats twice and insulted my brother via text…. it may all sound trivial to you but aren’t fathers meant to protect you, be a role model, be an adviser and someone to look up to…. we choose to remove him from our lives because after 20 years of it we’ve had enough…. and it still goes on…. when will it end? Who is there for the hundreds of families dealing with this? Why is the mental health system so relaxed about this being normal…..
You may be thinking, “but he’s your father”….. look I’ve just got out of hospital from major surgery and he rung me there crying…. I simply can’t get away from him….. So no he’s not my father any way except for blood….. my brothers, my husband and our son give me the positive male energy that I’ve never had so no he’s not my father…..
As I finish writing I would love to suggest starting a support group for the families of these family, friends going through this crazy ride….please share this post with anyone that you know it could relate to and let’s work together in finding a way to get our lives back, just leave a message below and I will make contact….. wowsers that was deep but some things just need to be said…
Love Nikki xxx
